Ugh. Happy Fucking Holidays – The Tale Of Two Taylor’s

The other day I started writing a beautiful poem called ‘Here In My Heart’. It reflected on the loneliness and sense of loss we are all feeling this holiday season, while also uncovering and emphasizing our extremely simple, yet always powerful, saving grace; the things that have been, and always will be, in our hearts. 

All of the beautiful moments and long lasting memories made, all of the people we care deeply for and the ones we have met along the way, and all of the things we love, cherish and hold dear – unfaltering and unfaded. 

With the idea being that whenever we need it, it’s all there, right in front of us – we just have to take the time to sit down, open our hearts, and reminisce. 

Lovely, right? 

And while Taylor #1 truly believes this and desperately wants to be captivated and whisked away by this mentality, the same Taylor that walks in the woods and sits on a swing at the park, feeling the connection, love, and much bigger, beautiful picture of it all – Taylor #2 isn’t quite so sure. 

And of course Taylor #2 has been visiting a lot more lately, and one of the things that she has been working really hard at, and becoming really good at, is consistently breathing out deep exhaustive sighs, while thinking to herself – ugh, fuckkkk!

So instead of the poem, which would’ve only relayed one particular way that I have been feeling, I have chosen to invite you into the depths, for the purpose and importance of authenticity. 

Currently, Taylor #2 is trying to swallow the fact that in three months it’s going to be March again, and we will have been at this thing for a mother fucking year! A year!! She’s thinking, another lockdown?! Super cool! But I haven’t actually had to time to recover from the first – ugh, fuck. 

She’s also indulging in the typical types of behaviours that make up the holidays, like excessive eating and oodles of refreshments, but instead of it feeling like a celebration of the festive, merriment of the season, it has taken a turn, a sharp turn, into a much darker and more bleak direction – ugh, fuck. 

And if it wasn’t for the kids, it’s very likely that the decorations wouldn’t have even made their yearly journey to the tree. The idea of going all the way down to the basement to get the box, and then bringing the box all the way back up, and then spending time finding a place for each ornament to land amongst the tiny, little, poking, ninja knives that are the pine needles, just seemed like too much to bear – ugh, fuck. 

And she’s also been thinking about the heaviness of it all. 

About the fact that she won’t be able to see any of her loved ones, and that it will ultimately just turn into a whole heap of awkward and exhaustive Zoom dates and FaceTime calls – ugh, fuck. 

About the fact that this lockdown likely won’t end in January and we will all have a much larger and more desperate reason to hate February this year – ugh, fuck. 

And about the fact that school likely won’t resume when they think it will, and two weeks of holidays will turn into endless days of fights, sugar highs, and cabin fever – ugh, fuck. 

But don’t get me wrong, Taylor #1 is still here. 

Sometimes her and #2 battle it out and somehow they’re both able to appear in the same 20 min span, which is super fun! – Taylor #2 wrote that. But other times they are much more cognizant of the emotional toll they are creating and instead, they wait patiently and take turns every couple of days. 

Although, when Taylor #1 does arrive, and with her she brings the elusive golden positivity and endless sea of happiness, everything feels ok again. She is grateful for it all and understands how damn lucky she is, because so many people are actually suffering and juggling way more. She’s also super excited for the magic of the season and the joy that, regardless of it all, has not managed to leave her kids smiling faces. 

So, that’s it really. That’s my thoughts and my tale of the two Taylor’s. 

I hope you weren’t expecting this post to be tied up in a neat little bow like most of the others, because it’s been a bit of day and Taylor #1 is not here right now. But I will say this: Taylor #2 comes for a reason. I would go as far as saying that I think she’s needed. And even though it feels like her only goal is to make me angry or make me want to sit down and cry all the time, maybe there’s more to it. 

Maybe she just needs a little love and understanding, maybe she just wants to be heard and validated, and maybe if I focus more on that, she won’t feel the need to come around as often. 

Photo: Taylor #2 back in the summer