So I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, and I’m sure it has something to do with the holidays being over and the nonexistent exclamation mark that accompanied them, not to mention the giant pause button that has been pushed on our lives, yet again – but it’s also much more than that; it’s deeper with a firmer grip.
I recently watched a home video from when I was a kid – we didn’t have a camcorder or anything like that growing up, so this gem came from our extended fam – and it brought back a lot of happy and positive memories, but also some sad ones as well.
It’s interesting, because on some level I’m sure we’re all well aware of the type of kids we were growing up, but it’s completely different seeing some of those emotions or feelings in live action.
Maybe it’s the INFJ in me, but I pick up on the subtlest of subtleties, and it’s hard to interact with the world, let alone watch, without analyzing and decoding absolutely anything and everything; the truth behind the words, the feelings behind the eyes, and the heart at the centre of it all.
In any case, it – coupled with years of other types of exploration – seemed to ignite and bring up some pretty heavy sadness for me; a sort of unknown, confined space that I have been holding on to for a very long time. It was the core of who I was and who I still am – a shy, deeply sensitive, emotional sponge – and there was/is some definite pain there.
When I was putting away the Christmas decorations the other week, I carefully wrapped up all the lights and gently placed them into a big, blue rubbermaid container. There were a couple of strands still on the ground that I knew were broken, but in an attempt to just not deal, I picked them up and started to pack them away anyways.
There wasn’t a lot of space left in the bin so I had to really force them in there, and it was nearly impossible to get the lid on – it was just too full. I immediately started to cry as I soon realized that the broken lights were the painful parts of my myself that obviously needed to be tended to and looked at, rather than just shoved away again.
And even though it’s scary, and intimidating to explore the deep, dark corners of your childhood, it’s also super important. I’ve always been someone that wants to heal and grow and if that means dealing with some sadness and pain here and there, then I’m always up for it – let’s do it.
Also, what better time than a global pandemic to crawl into the depths and slightly debase and unhinge yourself? Right? Ha.
So, that’s where I’ve been and where I’m going, and I definitely want to continue to write every week – it’s good for me on so many different levels – but I also want to give myself some space, if needed, without obligation or pressure to look at life in a certain way, because right now I think I just have to let the sadness breathe a bit.
So if I miss a week or two here or there, you’ll know where I am. And I’ll definitely be back, there’s just some maintenance work that needs to be done right now.
Wish me luck.
“The only journey is the one within.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
“You cannot transcend what you do not know. To go beyond yourself, you must know yourself.” – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj