Looking For Joy

Covid finally came for us
and we got knocked down 
hard. 
Like wild fire
one right after another. 
Being sick is brutal
but being sick with sick kids is 
soul crushing. 
We got every symptom imaginable
plus 
pink eye 
ear infection
tonsil infection 
and Garv got a pneumonia.
For the past 12 days 
I’ve just been trying to hold on
while also feeling pretty down
defeated 
numb
and stagnant.
It makes you irritated 
and mad 
when you can’t have joy. 
And yet 
what I often forget 
is that these moments present themselves 
in our lives 
so that we can crumble 
because we need to crumble 
and we need to fall apart 
and feel super shitty.
It’s the balance of it all
the duality. 
And it doesn’t feel good
when you’re sinking 
but that deep inhalation 
at the end of a good cry
that glorious moment 
when you finally catch your breath 
and your body feels slightly calmer 
because you’ve just released 
a mountain of feelings
is
in its own weird way 
kind of 
joyful
because there’s space. 
It might not be occupied 
by the type of joy 
we know so well
but there’s space
space for something.